Hahaha, yeah, so like… remember that time I started a blog and was like super confident about it until like my brain decided to be all “yeah fuck that” and I then continued in a downward spiral of absolutely no enthusiasm for anything ever and just kind of like wanted to lay down and cry all the time for no reason whatsoever? Yeah, shitty mental health fucking sucks and, most of the time, stops me from proceeding with shit that I was genuinely once really passionate for.

So, I’m going to break the awkward blog silence with a cheerful talk about depression – ha, sound good?

It’s a bit of a touchy one, and a topic that is still so unbelievably (and stupidly) taboo to a looooot more people than you’d think but, realistically, one in four people WILL suffer from a neurological disorder at some point in their life and 450 million people currently suffer from them worldwide – myself included. So WHY is this still such a fucking ‘hushed’ on topic you ask? Because society has stigmatised it to the point in which people are now too afraid to ask for help in fears that their issue will not be regarded as important as physical illnesses, such as Cancer or Parkinson’s (let’s not bite my head off here, also complete valid and debilitating illnesses), and have led to devastating statistics that show between the years of 2003-2013 18,220 people with mental health issues took their own lives. I surely cannot be the only person that finds that horrific?

I felt like I wanted to speak on this as not only have I suffered from depression and fucking debilitating anxiety for the last year and a half, I spent a majority of that time keeping it to myself in hopes it'd go away and I could avoid asking somebody for help (it didn't and I had too). I truly could not count on two hands the number of situations I have found myself in which have led me to feel genuine despair and anger at myself for getting into such states: getting on busy trains for example – something I honestly never used to have a problem with but, there it was one day, and getting on that train was an absolute fucking no from me for no reason whatsoever – there were tears, there was shaking, there was nausea – and guess what, it’s been like that preeeetty much every time since. But that’s okay. Because not everybody is wired the same way, and just because my brain goes a bit mad sometimes does not certifiably make me insane (albeit questionably sometimes... lol) – I’ve just got a few imbalances of chemicals up there that trigger my depresso, and another set of imbalances that trigger my mad panic attacks (clearly a collector). Buuuuuuut anxiety is not just a simple case of 'not being able to get on trains' - because lets be honest, I just wouldn't get on trains if that was the main issue because I'd avoid that shit like the plague - but it started to effect my relationships with people. I mean, sobbing continuously over nothing to one person for hours on end is gonna be draining for them as well as you, isn't it? At least that's what I had started to tell myself (just know that, if they happily sit on the other end of that facetime and willingly try to put you at ease, it's because they're happy to be there - don't be ashamed or embarrassed) But it's also the constant switch in moods even though I'm aware I'm doing it - or my inability to focus on a conversation for longer than five minutes, overthinking everything to the point of annoying somebody else or how absolutely mentally drained and physically tired I am from being out and socialising for longer than half an hour.
And, like I said, its my own awareness to doing it, but not being able to stop myself which has become a significant problem in friendships and relationships alike. It’s taken me a long time to accept that there really isn’t anything wrong with me as a person, and that it really is just a nice little illness that, through significant help from friends, family and doctors, I've been able to slowly tackle - albeit at a slow pace.

But for those that are suffering and are surrounded by people with lesser understanding, getting help is fucking difficult - and it's something that people do NOT tend to bring up in fears of being swatted away. I cannot express to you how important it is to check up on your family members, friends or colleagues. Even if it this is a topic that you do not fully understand yourself, do the research - ask them how they've been doing if you've noticed a significant change in themselves, see if there is anything you can help them with, because I promise you - even if they have no intention of taking you up on the offer (more often than not it will be rejected, but know that this is not a rejection of you as a person), knowing that somebody is willing to listen takes just an ounce of weight off a fucking ton that they believe they are carrying alone.
Check on your guys in particular (in 2014, 76% of suicides were male, whilst 24% were female) as, horrendously, they are at a greater risk of going undiagnosed and are more often than not likely to not say anything at all. 

And if you reading this are one of the people that believe 'mental illness is a myth', all I can do is beg of you to do your research - because words are not enough to make you realise that this is not something anybody that is currently suffering with it, would willingly place upon themselves - and nor would they ever wish for you to go through anything similar if you have yet too already. 

I'm not entirely too sure as to what the point of this post was, other than a topic to just break this awkward blog silence, but I suppose if I've been able to help at least one person reading this realise that they're not actually fucking mental - then that's my goal reached. Discussion on this is important, I believe, and I really do feel like it's something that needs to be explored and not stigmatised. So, all I can do is ask of you, reading this, to be comfortable with involving yourself in the discussion..

Be kind, be helpful, don't be an asshole.

I am so unbelievably aware that it is March. And that this post is about New Years’ Resolutions. I really am. (Stick with it, it does sort of make sense).
 However, I was hoping we could possibly look past that- you know, turn a blind eye.
I thought I’d give myself a bit of a re-do and just forget January and February all together to be honest with you, and I thought I’d just bring you all along with me. First post and all that, might as well get acquainted with one another.  Life went a bit up shit creek and it had me thinking – so here are 4 steps that I’m going to take from now, the middle of March, into the rest of the year.

1

Stop being so messy in the way that I deal with my life.

I am the messiest human being I know. This can range from a variety of things, such as a messy bedroom, a messy house, a messy bag, and gross, messy hair. And I am also very fucking messy when it comes to relationships with people and problems that tend to arise in my life.
I like to run away from things. Literally. I didn’t like University and because of this I haven’t been there for a couple of weeks. I ran away, basically. If I wasn’t so tragic about it I’d probably be laughing too, but there you go. Laugh away.
Now I’m sure there are plenty of you that are just as messy, if not more, than me – so feel free to join me in this: from here on out, I’m dealing with my shit head on. I’m going to stop weaving my way out of problems with people to avoid an argument, I’m going to stop running to other cities to avoid a subject I hate and I’m going to stop being an absolute bellend.

2

Leave the phone alone. Or at least just a little bit.

I’m probably addicted to my phone. I won’t lie to you, it’s normally within at least a 2-metre radius, and I am 100% too keen of a replier, it’s probably a bit creepy. Sorry about that, friends.
To be honest with you, I pay fifty quid a month for that phone and my mantra has always been to rinse the fuck out of it, because I know damn well I can’t afford it. However, when it’s next to me at a dinner table or I’ve just been continuously scrolling through the same three apps for the last 2 hours (Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter… and so on) it’s probably a sign that I should put it down. Just for a little bit.  Therefore: I will be having at least an hour a day where I leave it the fuck alone. I’ll read, maybe. I’ll let you know.

3

Do more of what make’s me happy.

I spend a good chunk of my day trying to think of ways to please the people around me so that I can avoid any sort of confrontation whatsoever. My brain likes to play this game sometimes, you know, and tries to convince me that if I ever specify that I don’t want to do something or go somewhere that someone has suggested, they’ll probably disown me.
Obviously, that’s completely not true (at least I hope it isn’t) and I’m just being a bit weird. I get a bit anxious about these things I suppose. So, I say: fuck it. Writing makes me happy, so I started this blog and I’m pleased that I did and so it’ll to stay that way from now on. I’m going to be damn decisive when it comes to making decisions, and I’m going to put myself first.

4

Learn to like being alone.

If there’s one thing I could drill into my brain for the rest of my life, it would be to remember that being alone does not mean that you are lonely.
Yeah, it’s nice to be with friends a lot of the time and it’s great to have people around you that you love and trust – but it’s also really damn nice to have some time to yourself.
I’ve actually found recently that, although it’s quiet, I’ve had the time to think through a lot of shit that had been in my head for a while but had avoided because I didn’t want to be alone. It’s scary having to confront thoughts that you’ve avoided, but when you do it’s the best feeling the world I promise you. Being alone is something that I was often terrified of, but I’m learning to love it. Plus, there’s nobody around to judge me when I’m eating share-bags of poppadums to myself whilst re-watching every video on the SACCONEJOLY’s YouTube channel. Honestly you should try it, it’s fun.